In my prior post I commented that I would be explaining at a later date where my "re-found" faith was coming from. You could say I have always been "religious." I grew up believing in God and believing church was a good place to be. I attended church with my aunt when I was young in Canada and attended a few churches on and off when I moved to Georgia. That was more or less the extent of it until high school when I made some friends in a youth group and began really attending church. Sure, a lot of the allure was the camaraderie, the flirting, the all around good times that came from hanging out with the other teens, but I also truly made a connection with God. I knew God truly existed and loved me. I knew He listened to my prayers. I knew I could trust in Him.
Something happened between high school and college though. Or perhaps it was in college. It wasn't any one thing in particular. It was probably just a "logic and science meet faith" kind of thing, and I guess my faith just wasn't strong enough, or my probing mind needed too many answers. I still believed there was a God, but not the God I had once believed in. Though I continued to hang out with my very good friends from my high school youth group days (hi Stacey!) and continued to try to have an open mind, I was falling farther and farther away.
Then there was the nail in the coffin. I found out about a little girl named Sophia. She was only 2 years old when she was diagnosed with brain cancer. Her mother had been a teacher at my school and though I never taught with her I had met her during my interviews. She had a blog that I followed daily through Sophia's ups and downs. I began praying for Sophia to recover. It didn't make sense that such an innocent, happy child should have to face such horrors. I followed for over a year as Sophia went through harsh chemo treatments, recovered, then developed another tumor, this time on her brain stem that could not be removed. I followed as she went through stem-cell transplants and even harsher chemo, then as the tumor kept growing causing her to loose her ability to talk, walk, hear, and eventually see. I followed, and prayed, but Sophia lost her battle. I was heartbroken, and my faith took another large hit. How could God stand by and let such an happy innocent little girl suffer like that?But God had me in the right place. Two teachers at my school, Beverly and Jana, were faith warriors. They HAD known Sophia's mom, and though they had been praying for Sophia's recovery as well, they understood that God always has a plan. And it didn't stop there. Bev and Jana never stopped praying and sharing their faith in God. We ate lunch together every day and though they never really knew my "religious status" they often prayed "around" me, sometimes for me, right there, out loud. They weren't ashamed to share their faith, but more importantly they lived by the virtues that they preached. I watched their examples as my heart grew a little more open again.
And then there was the "miracle". I look back at it now and see how funny it is how this is what finally brought me back to God. A miracle? I'm now a believer in miracles? But God was trying to get my attention, to break into that little crevice in my heart that was finally starting to open again.
Through Pampered Chef (a brief attempt to earn a little extra money) I learned about a man named Joseph. He was the brother-in-law of my director, a youth pastor here in Georgia, and had cystic fibrosis like me. But unlike me he was in really poor health having been hospitalized over 78 times (they stopped counting at 78), weighing only 108 pounds and at only 14% of his lung function. He needed a lung transplant. He and his wife had decided to go ahead and be put on the list for an organ donor and at the same time began a campaign to raise money to help pay for all the costs. I began following his blog. His faith in God was evident in everything he said and did. Here is a small example from his Facebook page:
I want to make a difference in the world. I want to be constantly conformed to the image of Jesus Christ. I want people to see Him in me. I want to lay aside temporary things for eternal riches. I dont want to be remembered for who I was but who Christ was IN ME. I want to be the best husband and friend possible to my wife. I want to be Holy.... I'm a Christian....not because i live in America; Not because I was raised as one; Not because I think out of all the other religions, Christianity makes more sense but because Jesus is my all and all...day to day.
So I followed and was amazed at how God worked a miracle for Joseph. They got his name on a transplant list on September 23rd. On October 6th they got the call that they had found him a pair of lungs already! (People usually spend months, if not years, on transplant lists). Of course, they knew not to get their hopes up because they'd heard all too many times about getting the call, going to the hospital, getting "prepped", only to find that the organs were in fact not a proper match or weren't in good enough condition. But they got the call and by the next morning Joseph had a new pair of lungs.
As if that wasn't enough the doctors were absolutely shocked at his quick recovery. He was breathing normal room air without a ventilator within only a few days instead of a week or more. He was released from the hospital on October 25th to a "recovery home" but only stayed there 3 days (instead of the normal 2-3 weeks). His first month check-up showed no signs of rejection and the doctor even said you wouldn't even know that he'd had a lung transplant!
I know it's not a big deal, really. Lots of people have amazing recovery stories without the power of prayer. And of course we can't forget that even with the power or prayer there are stories that don't end happily (remember Sophia?). But this just stuck out to me. It was like God was calling right to me. What better way to get my attention and show me the power of prayer than this man? A man with CF! Right here in Georgia! That not only recovered, but recovered so amazingly it seemed it could only be by the hand of God.
And then there was the miscarriage. I feel I need to actually do a separate post (maybe 9 months from now since this one took about that long?) on miscarriage so I'm not going to go into a lot of detail, but it goes without saying that it hit hard. It was actually between the miscarriage and this pregnancy that Joseph fits into this my story. So by the time I found out I was pregnant again I had just begun really reconnecting with God. That's when the bleeding started. And the cramping. And I just knew it was happening again. I prayed and prayed, only this time I didn't pray "please don't let this happen," I prayed, "I trust Your plan God. I trust that You know what is best. And I trust that You won't give me something more than I can handle." I trusted and prayed and did it some more. And everything was fine. And now Drew is here. And he is everything I could have possibly hoped and prayed for (and I did!). And I thank God for him every day.
So that's my faith journey, but it's not a finished story. I am still learning to walk this walk. I still fight with my selfish side that sometimes doesn't understand "unanswered prayers." And even though I'm always reminded of the Garth Brooks song that says, "just because He doesn't answer doesn't mean He don't care.... Some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers" which rings too true in my own life (hi Drew!), I still fight with the feelings of, "but I prayed, so why did this happen to me!?" (perfect example- my school reassignment, which I am coming to understand... slowly...). And I also still fight with my logical side that asks "how could God really judge someone who picked the "wrong God" but lived a good life?" or "how can there be a God that allows for these bad things to happen?" But I'm walking. Walking and learning and growing.
I will leave you with a verse that got me through the last (long!) week of my pregnancy: Proverbs 3:5-6. “Trust in the Lord with all of your heart, and lean not onto your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.”
