Patience and Trust

It has been over a year since the wonderful day when Jason and I tied the knot. It has been a great year of settling into married life in our new home with our three wonderful pets, Rico, Jibs and Lucy. I am still happily teaching Spanish, and Jason is still doing telecommunications work from home.

Though there has been pressure on both ends, those that have been asking since the wedding day when we plan to have kids, and those telling us we have our whole lives ahead of us and to take our time, we finally decided, on our own, that we were ready. Thought processes included choosing a time while I am strong and healthy (and not having exacerbations due to my CF), and having children early enough that we still have some good years in us once they're out of the house. :)

We first found out we were pregnant in July, after only trying for a little over a month. It was very exciting news, however, within only a week after finding out, I already went through a miscarriage. While it was very rough emotionally, I am thankful it happened when it did, before I saw an ultrasound, heard a heartbeat, or became any more attached than I already was.

It took some time to recover, emotionally, and for me to decide I was ready to start trying again. Once we did make the decision, it seemed to happen just as fast as the first time around.

Of course, this time, I was a little more wary. I was hesitant to get excited... to get my hopes up. The first thing I did when I showed Jason the positive pregnancy test was to burst into tears, telling him I was scared. I wasn't sure if I could handle it again.

Well, a week went by and things seemed fine. Then we went out of town for the weekend to a friend's wedding, and suddenly everything seemed to crumble. I was having severe abdominal pain, and started spotting. I was sure it was happening again. I still managed to put on a happy face for most of the evening, but inside I realized I had already started hoping more than I had meant to.

Upon returning home on the Monday I immediately made an OB appointment. Things weren't quite what I expected. The bleeding had stayed very minimal, the pain had gone away, and I was still having pregnancy symptoms. I wanted to know what was going on! Tuesday morning I got in to see the doctor. She took blood to check hormone levels, checked everything out and told me it looked like my cervix was simply bleeding a little and that it wasn't anything major. She told me to come back Thursday for more blood to check the levels and see how they were changing.

The three people who knew what was going on, my mom, my sister, and my best friend Stacey, got plenty of e-mails from me in those couple of days. I was going crazy not knowing what was going on. I would feel certain one moment that everything was okay, then just as certain the next that it wasn't. When I went to have blood drawn on Thursday, they said the hormone levels from Tuesday were very high! It seemed like good news, but we still had to see if the numbers were going up or down. Finally, Friday morning, I got the call from my doctor. The hormone levels weren't only high but were increasing normally! Yay! We immediately scheduled the first appointment and ultrasound.

I still had my ups and downs between the call Friday morning and the appointment Wednesday morning (this morning!). I was surprised how quickly everything went. Within ten minutes of getting to the office I was already seeing the tiny "blob" on the TV screen, and hearing the heartbeat! How I managed not to burst into tears, I still don't know, but I know I walked out of the office with probably one of the biggest smiles my face has ever held.

So here we are at the beginning of the story. I am still torn between excitement and joy, and fear of getting my hopes up too much. But I have put it out of my hands, and into the hands of God. I know He will not put me through something I cannot handle, but I also know He has a plan. My mantra last week, while feeling like I was going crazy from not knowing, was "patience and trust". It worked for me then so I will continue to repeat it to myself when I feel worried or uneasy.

I created this blog as a place, number one, for me to sort out my feelings, my fears, my joys while I go through this emotional roller coaster. Secondly I created it so that those who cannot be with me physically through the journey, can be here emotionally to follow the story. I ask that you bear with me in my ups and downs. On top of this already being a high risk pregnancy due to my CF, I am a very emotional person, and I hear it only gets worse from here....

P.S. Here's the baby's first pic!! Our little "Floodling" is the little white blob in the upper left part of the black area (I know its very hard to see... I should have scanned the picture instead of taking a pic of a pic). The big circle is the yolk sac, the rest is the baby- about the size of a grain of rice! (A little less than a centimeter right now!!)