As this second pregnancy progresses I've noticed some eerie similarities to the first. I don't mean in my symptoms, either.
1. Jason was injured/ill
When pregnant with Drew, Jason had a wreck on his motorcycle. Thankfully it was nothing serious and required only an after-hours doctor visit to treat some road rash, but it was quite scary. This time around he had an emergency appendectomy.
2. Good friends lost a parent
As I sat at a memorial service I realized that the last time I went to one was when I was pregnant with Drew (and any I attended before that I was too young to remember).
3. My job went up in the air
In the last month of my first pregnancy I found out that the school I had taught at for several years, to which I was very attached, would no longer be able to keep me on as a Spanish teacher. I was devastated and proceeded to have to endure interviews only days before my due date.
Looks like I may be there again... I have no official word yet, but I've spoken with a few people and it looks like our registration center will be shutting down. I hesitated to even post this as I really don't have any official news, but I wanted to request prayers.
When I lost my position teaching elementary Spanish I was truly devastated, but I trusted that God had a plan for me. I accepted a position at a high school even though teaching high school was the last thing I had ever wanted to do again; I simply trusted that if that was where God wanted me, that He would get me through. A series of events ended up leading me, instead, to my current position where I've worked for a year and a half. I love it dearly. I have thanked God many times, knowing that He was behind every detail that landed me there. It has been a perfect fit for my skills, interests, and needs.
So all I can say is I know that trusting God's plan will put me on the right path, but it doesn't mean I want to be here again. I am requesting prayers specifically that:
a) Our center is able to remain open (and that many who currently will be losing their jobs will not have to lose them!)
b) If God has other plans, that I will feel His hand guiding me and trust in the outcome. (And that God helps to provide for my coworkers who will lose their jobs).
I should note that, like last time, I have a signed contract so *thankfully* either way I have a job. It's just hard to let go of something you love (or even to imagine letting it go).
P.S. Should I consider not getting pregnant again? ;)
Showing posts with label trust. Show all posts
Showing posts with label trust. Show all posts
Saturday, July 14, 2012
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Hittin' the gym
Drew and I signed up for a free Gymboree class this week (you can too by going to the link!). Gymboree is a children's learning and play center. They offer developmental classes based on your child's age, and they also offer sports, music, and art classes (for the somewhat older children). We went to a "Play and Learn" class for ages 0-6 months.
Oh. My. Goodness... I had a blast! It was amazing just how interested Drew was in all of the activities. He generally doesn't seem to care much when I sing and do little hand games, but they taught us all sorts of neat tricks and fun things to do to get him not only to pay attention, but to encourage development of different areas, like vision, hearing, or hand-eye coordination.
Drew actually enjoyed tummy time too, for once! They put an unbreakable mirror on the floor and spun colorful balls all over the place. He was so interested in his reflection, the balls, and all of the other babies that he didn't seem to notice he was on his tummy (though he did roll over once onto the baby next to him when I wasn't paying attention- oops! I apologized several times for the both of us... well, for me really...)
We got to go play on some of the equipment too. Drew had fun rolling around on a huge ball (I didn't get pictures of that, sad!), rolling in a tunnel, and doing sit ups on a wobbly bridge.
(He actually did "sit ups" just about anywhere I put him- the teacher kept laughing at him getting his "work out" in.)
He also enjoyed bubble time, and had bubbles blown especially for him since it was his first class!
Oh man, if we had the money (and I thought I could handle the jealousy of Jason getting to take him while I work) I would totally sign him up for the classes! I am so glad I remembered to do this before I go back to work though. His smiles and awe were priceless!
(On a side note, because I know my family will be curious, I am likely returning to work in January. My doctor's orders were 6 months for recovery, which ends on December 29th. School is back in session January 3rd. I am no longer at the high school I was moved to as the Family Medical Leave Act only protects my position for 60 days. So that position was posted and filled, and, once again, I am kind of in the air as to where I'll be. So, if you're the praying type, keep us in mind and pray that whatever comes my way will be the best option for our little family.)
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
A faith journey
In addition to being incredibly long, today's post is going to be a bit heavy, covering religion, miscarriage, childhood cancer, death, and other topics that may make you uncomfortable. Whether you choose to read or not is up to you, and doesn't bother me one way or another. This is just a story I was spending some time reflecting on, and it's also a story that had been promised a while back. And since I try very hard not to break promises, here it is! :)
In my prior post I commented that I would be explaining at a later date where my "re-found" faith was coming from. You could say I have always been "religious." I grew up believing in God and believing church was a good place to be. I attended church with my aunt when I was young in Canada and attended a few churches on and off when I moved to Georgia. That was more or less the extent of it until high school when I made some friends in a youth group and began really attending church. Sure, a lot of the allure was the camaraderie, the flirting, the all around good times that came from hanging out with the other teens, but I also truly made a connection with God. I knew God truly existed and loved me. I knew He listened to my prayers. I knew I could trust in Him.
Something happened between high school and college though. Or perhaps it was in college. It wasn't any one thing in particular. It was probably just a "logic and science meet faith" kind of thing, and I guess my faith just wasn't strong enough, or my probing mind needed too many answers. I still believed there was a God, but not the God I had once believed in. Though I continued to hang out with my very good friends from my high school youth group days (hi Stacey!) and continued to try to have an open mind, I was falling farther and farther away.
Then there was the nail in the coffin. I found out about a little girl named Sophia. She was only 2 years old when she was diagnosed with brain cancer. Her mother had been a teacher at my school and though I never taught with her I had met her during my interviews. She had a blog that I followed daily through Sophia's ups and downs. I began praying for Sophia to recover. It didn't make sense that such an innocent, happy child should have to face such horrors. I followed for over a year as Sophia went through harsh chemo treatments, recovered, then developed another tumor, this time on her brain stem that could not be removed. I followed as she went through stem-cell transplants and even harsher chemo, then as the tumor kept growing causing her to loose her ability to talk, walk, hear, and eventually see. I followed, and prayed, but Sophia lost her battle. I was heartbroken, and my faith took another large hit. How could God stand by and let such an happy innocent little girl suffer like that?
But God had me in the right place. Two teachers at my school, Beverly and Jana, were faith warriors. They HAD known Sophia's mom, and though they had been praying for Sophia's recovery as well, they understood that God always has a plan. And it didn't stop there. Bev and Jana never stopped praying and sharing their faith in God. We ate lunch together every day and though they never really knew my "religious status" they often prayed "around" me, sometimes for me, right there, out loud. They weren't ashamed to share their faith, but more importantly they lived by the virtues that they preached. I watched their examples as my heart grew a little more open again.
And then there was the "miracle". I look back at it now and see how funny it is how this is what finally brought me back to God. A miracle? I'm now a believer in miracles? But God was trying to get my attention, to break into that little crevice in my heart that was finally starting to open again.
Through Pampered Chef (a brief attempt to earn a little extra money) I learned about a man named Joseph. He was the brother-in-law of my director, a youth pastor here in Georgia, and had cystic fibrosis like me. But unlike me he was in really poor health having been hospitalized over 78 times (they stopped counting at 78), weighing only 108 pounds and at only 14% of his lung function. He needed a lung transplant. He and his wife had decided to go ahead and be put on the list for an organ donor and at the same time began a campaign to raise money to help pay for all the costs. I began following his blog. His faith in God was evident in everything he said and did. Here is a small example from his Facebook page:
So I followed and was amazed at how God worked a miracle for Joseph. They got his name on a transplant list on September 23rd. On October 6th they got the call that they had found him a pair of lungs already! (People usually spend months, if not years, on transplant lists). Of course, they knew not to get their hopes up because they'd heard all too many times about getting the call, going to the hospital, getting "prepped", only to find that the organs were in fact not a proper match or weren't in good enough condition. But they got the call and by the next morning Joseph had a new pair of lungs.
As if that wasn't enough the doctors were absolutely shocked at his quick recovery. He was breathing normal room air without a ventilator within only a few days instead of a week or more. He was released from the hospital on October 25th to a "recovery home" but only stayed there 3 days (instead of the normal 2-3 weeks). His first month check-up showed no signs of rejection and the doctor even said you wouldn't even know that he'd had a lung transplant!
I know it's not a big deal, really. Lots of people have amazing recovery stories without the power of prayer. And of course we can't forget that even with the power or prayer there are stories that don't end happily (remember Sophia?). But this just stuck out to me. It was like God was calling right to me. What better way to get my attention and show me the power of prayer than this man? A man with CF! Right here in Georgia! That not only recovered, but recovered so amazingly it seemed it could only be by the hand of God.
And then there was the miscarriage. I feel I need to actually do a separate post (maybe 9 months from now since this one took about that long?) on miscarriage so I'm not going to go into a lot of detail, but it goes without saying that it hit hard. It was actually between the miscarriage and this pregnancy that Joseph fits into this my story. So by the time I found out I was pregnant again I had just begun really reconnecting with God. That's when the bleeding started. And the cramping. And I just knew it was happening again. I prayed and prayed, only this time I didn't pray "please don't let this happen," I prayed, "I trust Your plan God. I trust that You know what is best. And I trust that You won't give me something more than I can handle." I trusted and prayed and did it some more. And everything was fine. And now Drew is here. And he is everything I could have possibly hoped and prayed for (and I did!). And I thank God for him every day.
So that's my faith journey, but it's not a finished story. I am still learning to walk this walk. I still fight with my selfish side that sometimes doesn't understand "unanswered prayers." And even though I'm always reminded of the Garth Brooks song that says, "just because He doesn't answer doesn't mean He don't care.... Some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers" which rings too true in my own life (hi Drew!), I still fight with the feelings of, "but I prayed, so why did this happen to me!?" (perfect example- my school reassignment, which I am coming to understand... slowly...). And I also still fight with my logical side that asks "how could God really judge someone who picked the "wrong God" but lived a good life?" or "how can there be a God that allows for these bad things to happen?" But I'm walking. Walking and learning and growing.
I will leave you with a verse that got me through the last (long!) week of my pregnancy: Proverbs 3:5-6. “Trust in the Lord with all of your heart, and lean not onto your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.”
In my prior post I commented that I would be explaining at a later date where my "re-found" faith was coming from. You could say I have always been "religious." I grew up believing in God and believing church was a good place to be. I attended church with my aunt when I was young in Canada and attended a few churches on and off when I moved to Georgia. That was more or less the extent of it until high school when I made some friends in a youth group and began really attending church. Sure, a lot of the allure was the camaraderie, the flirting, the all around good times that came from hanging out with the other teens, but I also truly made a connection with God. I knew God truly existed and loved me. I knew He listened to my prayers. I knew I could trust in Him.
Something happened between high school and college though. Or perhaps it was in college. It wasn't any one thing in particular. It was probably just a "logic and science meet faith" kind of thing, and I guess my faith just wasn't strong enough, or my probing mind needed too many answers. I still believed there was a God, but not the God I had once believed in. Though I continued to hang out with my very good friends from my high school youth group days (hi Stacey!) and continued to try to have an open mind, I was falling farther and farther away.
Then there was the nail in the coffin. I found out about a little girl named Sophia. She was only 2 years old when she was diagnosed with brain cancer. Her mother had been a teacher at my school and though I never taught with her I had met her during my interviews. She had a blog that I followed daily through Sophia's ups and downs. I began praying for Sophia to recover. It didn't make sense that such an innocent, happy child should have to face such horrors. I followed for over a year as Sophia went through harsh chemo treatments, recovered, then developed another tumor, this time on her brain stem that could not be removed. I followed as she went through stem-cell transplants and even harsher chemo, then as the tumor kept growing causing her to loose her ability to talk, walk, hear, and eventually see. I followed, and prayed, but Sophia lost her battle. I was heartbroken, and my faith took another large hit. How could God stand by and let such an happy innocent little girl suffer like that?But God had me in the right place. Two teachers at my school, Beverly and Jana, were faith warriors. They HAD known Sophia's mom, and though they had been praying for Sophia's recovery as well, they understood that God always has a plan. And it didn't stop there. Bev and Jana never stopped praying and sharing their faith in God. We ate lunch together every day and though they never really knew my "religious status" they often prayed "around" me, sometimes for me, right there, out loud. They weren't ashamed to share their faith, but more importantly they lived by the virtues that they preached. I watched their examples as my heart grew a little more open again.
And then there was the "miracle". I look back at it now and see how funny it is how this is what finally brought me back to God. A miracle? I'm now a believer in miracles? But God was trying to get my attention, to break into that little crevice in my heart that was finally starting to open again.
Through Pampered Chef (a brief attempt to earn a little extra money) I learned about a man named Joseph. He was the brother-in-law of my director, a youth pastor here in Georgia, and had cystic fibrosis like me. But unlike me he was in really poor health having been hospitalized over 78 times (they stopped counting at 78), weighing only 108 pounds and at only 14% of his lung function. He needed a lung transplant. He and his wife had decided to go ahead and be put on the list for an organ donor and at the same time began a campaign to raise money to help pay for all the costs. I began following his blog. His faith in God was evident in everything he said and did. Here is a small example from his Facebook page:
I want to make a difference in the world. I want to be constantly conformed to the image of Jesus Christ. I want people to see Him in me. I want to lay aside temporary things for eternal riches. I dont want to be remembered for who I was but who Christ was IN ME. I want to be the best husband and friend possible to my wife. I want to be Holy.... I'm a Christian....not because i live in America; Not because I was raised as one; Not because I think out of all the other religions, Christianity makes more sense but because Jesus is my all and all...day to day.
So I followed and was amazed at how God worked a miracle for Joseph. They got his name on a transplant list on September 23rd. On October 6th they got the call that they had found him a pair of lungs already! (People usually spend months, if not years, on transplant lists). Of course, they knew not to get their hopes up because they'd heard all too many times about getting the call, going to the hospital, getting "prepped", only to find that the organs were in fact not a proper match or weren't in good enough condition. But they got the call and by the next morning Joseph had a new pair of lungs.
As if that wasn't enough the doctors were absolutely shocked at his quick recovery. He was breathing normal room air without a ventilator within only a few days instead of a week or more. He was released from the hospital on October 25th to a "recovery home" but only stayed there 3 days (instead of the normal 2-3 weeks). His first month check-up showed no signs of rejection and the doctor even said you wouldn't even know that he'd had a lung transplant!
I know it's not a big deal, really. Lots of people have amazing recovery stories without the power of prayer. And of course we can't forget that even with the power or prayer there are stories that don't end happily (remember Sophia?). But this just stuck out to me. It was like God was calling right to me. What better way to get my attention and show me the power of prayer than this man? A man with CF! Right here in Georgia! That not only recovered, but recovered so amazingly it seemed it could only be by the hand of God.
And then there was the miscarriage. I feel I need to actually do a separate post (maybe 9 months from now since this one took about that long?) on miscarriage so I'm not going to go into a lot of detail, but it goes without saying that it hit hard. It was actually between the miscarriage and this pregnancy that Joseph fits into this my story. So by the time I found out I was pregnant again I had just begun really reconnecting with God. That's when the bleeding started. And the cramping. And I just knew it was happening again. I prayed and prayed, only this time I didn't pray "please don't let this happen," I prayed, "I trust Your plan God. I trust that You know what is best. And I trust that You won't give me something more than I can handle." I trusted and prayed and did it some more. And everything was fine. And now Drew is here. And he is everything I could have possibly hoped and prayed for (and I did!). And I thank God for him every day.
So that's my faith journey, but it's not a finished story. I am still learning to walk this walk. I still fight with my selfish side that sometimes doesn't understand "unanswered prayers." And even though I'm always reminded of the Garth Brooks song that says, "just because He doesn't answer doesn't mean He don't care.... Some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers" which rings too true in my own life (hi Drew!), I still fight with the feelings of, "but I prayed, so why did this happen to me!?" (perfect example- my school reassignment, which I am coming to understand... slowly...). And I also still fight with my logical side that asks "how could God really judge someone who picked the "wrong God" but lived a good life?" or "how can there be a God that allows for these bad things to happen?" But I'm walking. Walking and learning and growing.
I will leave you with a verse that got me through the last (long!) week of my pregnancy: Proverbs 3:5-6. “Trust in the Lord with all of your heart, and lean not onto your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.”
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Patience and Trust.... Part 3??
As my dad put it on Facebook, from country singer Clint Black.... "this killing time is killing me"!
Who knew I'd be here? Just short of a week overdue? I didn't! I tried not to listen to co-workers and friends telling me I'd never make it to my due date. I tried not to pay attention to the fact that my mom was early (10 days and 7 days) with both her pregnancies. I tried not to listen to the doctor when they told me I was already 1.5 cm dilated at 38 weeks and that if she had to guess she'd guess he'd be early.....
But I did.
And now I'm impatient.
I'm trying to be patient and trust that God has a plan and that this baby will be born "on his birthday" meaning when he is supposed to be born. 6 days overdue is really not bad. Apparently the "average" for first time moms is to go about 10 days over.
But 10 days over means my dad and sister won't be here any more. They have to leave on Friday (8 days over). I can't even explain how badly I want for them to be here. How I want for them to be some of the first people to meet and hold our little Floodling. How I don't want for them to have to come back later and meet him after everyone else has. It hurts.
On top of worrying that he won't arrive before my family leaves, I have the doctors hanging over my head too. I'm not going to go into a lot of detail, but basically I have a "time limit" before my doctors will induce. Two of my doctors are a little more open-minded and are willing to let me go to 42 weeks (you aren't technically considered "overdue" until you are 42 weeks), but the doctor I saw this past Monday went ahead and "tentatively" (by booking it with the hospital!!) scheduled an induction for next Tuesday (not even 2 weeks over yet). When the receptionist called to tell me it was booked I was more than a little miffed and told her I would likely be canceling (she wouldn't cancel it for me, she said I have to talk to my doctors on Monday).
And even on top of that I'm simply bored to tears! I normally go on vacation during summer break, but I can't do that right now. I normally clean and organize between those vacations, but all that's done! My to-do list is complete, and I have nothing I want to get started on. I don't feel much like going out to do things, and we don't have the money to spend anyway. A baby sure would give me plenty to do! :P
But babies make their own schedule. And as much as I can try to encourage it along, Floodling will come when he is ready.
I actually just read yesterday that stress is a labor inhibitor. Stress produces chemicals in our bodies, including adrenaline, which actually slow down or prevent labor. Why? So we don't give birth in an unsafe situation. A woman can actually regress from 9 cm dilated to 6 cm dilated, for example, if under stress. It makes sense, what if you were giving birth and suddenly you saw a tiger? You'd have to run for it! Well, our bodies are built to deal with that.
I keep thinking now that all the stressing I did over my job situation probably didn't help move things along. I'm over it (for now) and putting it out of my mind, but I've found that overall I've been in a "funk" and I think I need to get out of it.
So, I've decided that I'm going to enjoy my last little bit of time and I'm not going to worry about getting this baby here anymore. I'm not going to feel guilty over being lazy and putting my feet up every once in a while (gravity can't help anything if you're feet are up!). I've put it in God's hands. Though I've been eating pineapple and basil, walking, bouncing on balls, and trying plenty of other things, I'm starting to think maybe the best thing I can do is simply relax to let my body know that I am ready, happy, and "safe"!
Who knew I'd be here? Just short of a week overdue? I didn't! I tried not to listen to co-workers and friends telling me I'd never make it to my due date. I tried not to pay attention to the fact that my mom was early (10 days and 7 days) with both her pregnancies. I tried not to listen to the doctor when they told me I was already 1.5 cm dilated at 38 weeks and that if she had to guess she'd guess he'd be early.....
But I did.
And now I'm impatient.
I'm trying to be patient and trust that God has a plan and that this baby will be born "on his birthday" meaning when he is supposed to be born. 6 days overdue is really not bad. Apparently the "average" for first time moms is to go about 10 days over.
But 10 days over means my dad and sister won't be here any more. They have to leave on Friday (8 days over). I can't even explain how badly I want for them to be here. How I want for them to be some of the first people to meet and hold our little Floodling. How I don't want for them to have to come back later and meet him after everyone else has. It hurts.
On top of worrying that he won't arrive before my family leaves, I have the doctors hanging over my head too. I'm not going to go into a lot of detail, but basically I have a "time limit" before my doctors will induce. Two of my doctors are a little more open-minded and are willing to let me go to 42 weeks (you aren't technically considered "overdue" until you are 42 weeks), but the doctor I saw this past Monday went ahead and "tentatively" (by booking it with the hospital!!) scheduled an induction for next Tuesday (not even 2 weeks over yet). When the receptionist called to tell me it was booked I was more than a little miffed and told her I would likely be canceling (she wouldn't cancel it for me, she said I have to talk to my doctors on Monday).
And even on top of that I'm simply bored to tears! I normally go on vacation during summer break, but I can't do that right now. I normally clean and organize between those vacations, but all that's done! My to-do list is complete, and I have nothing I want to get started on. I don't feel much like going out to do things, and we don't have the money to spend anyway. A baby sure would give me plenty to do! :P
But babies make their own schedule. And as much as I can try to encourage it along, Floodling will come when he is ready.
I actually just read yesterday that stress is a labor inhibitor. Stress produces chemicals in our bodies, including adrenaline, which actually slow down or prevent labor. Why? So we don't give birth in an unsafe situation. A woman can actually regress from 9 cm dilated to 6 cm dilated, for example, if under stress. It makes sense, what if you were giving birth and suddenly you saw a tiger? You'd have to run for it! Well, our bodies are built to deal with that.
I keep thinking now that all the stressing I did over my job situation probably didn't help move things along. I'm over it (for now) and putting it out of my mind, but I've found that overall I've been in a "funk" and I think I need to get out of it.
So, I've decided that I'm going to enjoy my last little bit of time and I'm not going to worry about getting this baby here anymore. I'm not going to feel guilty over being lazy and putting my feet up every once in a while (gravity can't help anything if you're feet are up!). I've put it in God's hands. Though I've been eating pineapple and basil, walking, bouncing on balls, and trying plenty of other things, I'm starting to think maybe the best thing I can do is simply relax to let my body know that I am ready, happy, and "safe"!
Monday, June 14, 2010
Vent
So I'm going to be completely grouchy and negative in the post, so if you don't want to read it, you don't have to. But I need to vent and let out some of these feelings that are frustrating me.
I have mentioned before that I found out shortly before the end of the school year that I was being "reassigned" (displaced, moved, relocated.... whatever your word preference is, it's all the same thing). I mentioned how very much I love the school I'm at, and love what I do. There was some hope that possibly things would work out- that I'd end up being able to stay... but....
I got a call Thursday afternoon last week from a middle school principal in my county- asking if I was interested in teaching middle school (honestly, I'm not, read on...). We chatted for a few minutes and agreed to do an interview. The next morning I got a call from a high school principal, also wanting me to come in for an interview. At this point I assume this means that I'm not staying at my school (the hope was that there would be no other opening for me and the county would be stuck "reassigning" me right back to my school). I'm also pretty sure it means I will definitely not be teaching elementary school (the Language Coordinator I also mentioned before told me in our meetings that there are 5 other elementary Spanish teachers being displaced and no other openings in elementary schools).
First off, I have to say- I don't know what's worse. Doing an interview while on summer vacation, when I already have a job with the county, and while 9 and a half months pregnant, or having to go to an interview for which I had to prepare a "5-10 minute lesson plan presentation" for a job I don't even want.
Why don't I want the job? Some history: I graduated in 2006 with a degree in Foreign Language Education and certification to teach K-12. My student teaching had been spent teaching high school Spanish so I naturally accepted a job teaching high school. It was one of the most miserable years of my life, and I don't say that lightly, especially as I generally don't like to be a negative person. Jason will tell you it was one of his worst years too simply because I was so miserable (and he did a lot of work for me!). I hated it. I hated just about everything about it. I hated battling with kids to get them to do simple assignments, I hated the feeling of knowing they were constantly trying to get away with things behind my back, I hated the stacks and stacks of papers to grade, I hated writing tests then grading them and feeling like a failure as I gave Cs, Ds, and Fs, I hated calling parents to let them know their child was failing, and parents saying "yeah, we know, we don't care...." (and should have continued on "so he's just going to sit there and be a pain in your a** for the rest of the year"), I hated the lack of support from other teachers and especially from the administration.... I asked and asked and asked for help, and never got it. I even began seeing a counselor to help me through. So after only a year I threw in the towel and started searching for something else. I happily found my current job teaching Spanish in elementary school.
I look back at the experience and know that I did a lot of growing that year. I learned a lot about myself. I learned a lot about teaching. And I think, even though I hated it as much as I did, I truly am better because of the experience. I think most of all it really made me appreciate having found my "niche" teaching elementary school.
So the prospect of going back to teaching high school is not a happy one for me. Nor is the idea of teaching middle school, though I was, and still am, keeping an open mind (though read on for more on this...). Before you say anything about "but you've grown, and it would be different at a different school, and now that you have more experience you'd do better" I don't want to hear it. I know.... I would probably do better. I feel more prepared for it. At the very least I could survive the year....
BUT I don't want to (can I stomp my feet and start throwing a temper tantrum now?). I am so happy doing what I'm doing right now it just seems so unfair to make me move from something I love doing to something I can simply "survive". And yes, maybe I would come to love it, but I simply don't want to do this right now. I don't want to spend my measly 6 weeks of "maternity leave" (which isn't even maternity leave, it's just summer vacation) trying to create lesson plans for a whole new level of students and learn the new curriculum. I don't want to spend what little time I have off with my newborn child worrying about what the new year might bring. I don't want to spend the first year of his life stressed with lesson planning, grading, writing tests, etc. (all of which I've been happily able to avoid the last few years).
I think what has me most upset is the timing. I could have handled this last year... unwillingly then too, but it was different. Now I'm thinking in terms of how much time and energy I'm going to be able to give to my son and how unfair it is that I will adjusting to life as a mom at the same time as life as a middle school or high school teacher. I hate to say it, but it really just sucks.
Have I mentioned that I already don't want to go back to work? I can't even imagine how much that feeling is going to be multiplied in August (even going back to where I want to be!). I'd love to be able to stay at home to raise my children, and that is eventually our plan, but that currently is not an option financially. Jason already has 2 jobs!
So the interview at the middle school? I would be teaching 6 different levels of students- a 9 week "intro" course to 6th graders (that's 1), 7th graders (that's 2), and 8th graders (that's 3). I'd also be teaching a "Spanish for native speakers" course (that's 4), a year-long course for 8th graders (that's 5) and a 2 year-long course for 7th then 8th graders (that's 6). 6 classes to plan for, 6 classes to keep track of... oh, and my planning period each day? I would have a duty at the school... so no, no planning time. At least teaching high school they try not to give you more than 2 or 3 "preps" (classes that require different "lesson plans"). 6?? Okay, so I teach 6 now (K, 1, 2, 3, 4, and 5), but they are easy to adapt from grade to grade, and I only see each class once a week, not every other day! On top of that the school was in worse condition than the one I'm already at (and that's saying quite a bit), the assistant principals were discussing going out and getting drunk last weekend (so professional), and oh yeah- I'd probably get to help with all the translating and interpreting for the school (considering it's 75% Hispanic). Sigh............. I'm keeping an open mind but was overall unimpressed. So much for having energy (or time!!!) for Floodling when I get home!
I have the interview at the high school tomorrow. I can't believe that I am hoping it goes better than this one. My initial thoughts were that middle school would at least be better than high school, but I am starting to change my mind.
I am still trusting that God has a plan for me, and that it will work out. Patience and trust, patience and trust, patience and trust..... the hormones flying around are making it a little hard right now though.
I have mentioned before that I found out shortly before the end of the school year that I was being "reassigned" (displaced, moved, relocated.... whatever your word preference is, it's all the same thing). I mentioned how very much I love the school I'm at, and love what I do. There was some hope that possibly things would work out- that I'd end up being able to stay... but....
I got a call Thursday afternoon last week from a middle school principal in my county- asking if I was interested in teaching middle school (honestly, I'm not, read on...). We chatted for a few minutes and agreed to do an interview. The next morning I got a call from a high school principal, also wanting me to come in for an interview. At this point I assume this means that I'm not staying at my school (the hope was that there would be no other opening for me and the county would be stuck "reassigning" me right back to my school). I'm also pretty sure it means I will definitely not be teaching elementary school (the Language Coordinator I also mentioned before told me in our meetings that there are 5 other elementary Spanish teachers being displaced and no other openings in elementary schools).
First off, I have to say- I don't know what's worse. Doing an interview while on summer vacation, when I already have a job with the county, and while 9 and a half months pregnant, or having to go to an interview for which I had to prepare a "5-10 minute lesson plan presentation" for a job I don't even want.
Why don't I want the job? Some history: I graduated in 2006 with a degree in Foreign Language Education and certification to teach K-12. My student teaching had been spent teaching high school Spanish so I naturally accepted a job teaching high school. It was one of the most miserable years of my life, and I don't say that lightly, especially as I generally don't like to be a negative person. Jason will tell you it was one of his worst years too simply because I was so miserable (and he did a lot of work for me!). I hated it. I hated just about everything about it. I hated battling with kids to get them to do simple assignments, I hated the feeling of knowing they were constantly trying to get away with things behind my back, I hated the stacks and stacks of papers to grade, I hated writing tests then grading them and feeling like a failure as I gave Cs, Ds, and Fs, I hated calling parents to let them know their child was failing, and parents saying "yeah, we know, we don't care...." (and should have continued on "so he's just going to sit there and be a pain in your a** for the rest of the year"), I hated the lack of support from other teachers and especially from the administration.... I asked and asked and asked for help, and never got it. I even began seeing a counselor to help me through. So after only a year I threw in the towel and started searching for something else. I happily found my current job teaching Spanish in elementary school.
I look back at the experience and know that I did a lot of growing that year. I learned a lot about myself. I learned a lot about teaching. And I think, even though I hated it as much as I did, I truly am better because of the experience. I think most of all it really made me appreciate having found my "niche" teaching elementary school.
So the prospect of going back to teaching high school is not a happy one for me. Nor is the idea of teaching middle school, though I was, and still am, keeping an open mind (though read on for more on this...). Before you say anything about "but you've grown, and it would be different at a different school, and now that you have more experience you'd do better" I don't want to hear it. I know.... I would probably do better. I feel more prepared for it. At the very least I could survive the year....
BUT I don't want to (can I stomp my feet and start throwing a temper tantrum now?). I am so happy doing what I'm doing right now it just seems so unfair to make me move from something I love doing to something I can simply "survive". And yes, maybe I would come to love it, but I simply don't want to do this right now. I don't want to spend my measly 6 weeks of "maternity leave" (which isn't even maternity leave, it's just summer vacation) trying to create lesson plans for a whole new level of students and learn the new curriculum. I don't want to spend what little time I have off with my newborn child worrying about what the new year might bring. I don't want to spend the first year of his life stressed with lesson planning, grading, writing tests, etc. (all of which I've been happily able to avoid the last few years).
I think what has me most upset is the timing. I could have handled this last year... unwillingly then too, but it was different. Now I'm thinking in terms of how much time and energy I'm going to be able to give to my son and how unfair it is that I will adjusting to life as a mom at the same time as life as a middle school or high school teacher. I hate to say it, but it really just sucks.
Have I mentioned that I already don't want to go back to work? I can't even imagine how much that feeling is going to be multiplied in August (even going back to where I want to be!). I'd love to be able to stay at home to raise my children, and that is eventually our plan, but that currently is not an option financially. Jason already has 2 jobs!
So the interview at the middle school? I would be teaching 6 different levels of students- a 9 week "intro" course to 6th graders (that's 1), 7th graders (that's 2), and 8th graders (that's 3). I'd also be teaching a "Spanish for native speakers" course (that's 4), a year-long course for 8th graders (that's 5) and a 2 year-long course for 7th then 8th graders (that's 6). 6 classes to plan for, 6 classes to keep track of... oh, and my planning period each day? I would have a duty at the school... so no, no planning time. At least teaching high school they try not to give you more than 2 or 3 "preps" (classes that require different "lesson plans"). 6?? Okay, so I teach 6 now (K, 1, 2, 3, 4, and 5), but they are easy to adapt from grade to grade, and I only see each class once a week, not every other day! On top of that the school was in worse condition than the one I'm already at (and that's saying quite a bit), the assistant principals were discussing going out and getting drunk last weekend (so professional), and oh yeah- I'd probably get to help with all the translating and interpreting for the school (considering it's 75% Hispanic). Sigh............. I'm keeping an open mind but was overall unimpressed. So much for having energy (or time!!!) for Floodling when I get home!
I have the interview at the high school tomorrow. I can't believe that I am hoping it goes better than this one. My initial thoughts were that middle school would at least be better than high school, but I am starting to change my mind.
I am still trusting that God has a plan for me, and that it will work out. Patience and trust, patience and trust, patience and trust..... the hormones flying around are making it a little hard right now though.
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Patience and Trust, part 2
In an early post I talked about how I had developed a mantra, "patience and trust" that helped me get through the first few weeks of uncertainty with this pregnancy. I talked about how I had to resort to simply letting go and trusting God's plan as I waited various test results and time between doctor's appointments. Patience does not come easy to me, and trusting God was something somewhat new to me as well. But repeating this to myself got me through, and I am happily here only 5 weeks away from meeting my son!
In my birthing class we were told to pick one or two mantras (from a list) to help us get through our birth- affirmations that would help keep us positive and focused. I liked a few from the list but ultimately decided on "patience and trust" because I know it worked for me before. I know I will have to let go of my time schedule... I know will exhaust myself and ultimately put myself in a place where I'm unable to continue if I'm counting down hours of labor and exactly how long each contraction is, and how long I stay in each phase, and how long it takes to dilate... I also know I'm going to have to trust that my body knows what to do and is capable of bringing baby into the world safely. And again, I will have to trust God's plan.
It seems before I even get to that point though I am turning to this mantra yet again, though in a completely different realm.... I got news from my principal today that I am to be "reassigned". That means I will likely be at a different school next year, though I don't yet know exactly where (or what even) I'll be teaching. My principal had no information regarding where I'll be going, or even when I will know (that's where patience comes in!).
I love my school. From the very beginning I felt like I was part of a family. The teachers are so positive and caring for not only their students but each other as well. I never knew adults could work so well together! After my student teaching experience and my first year teaching at a high school, I didn't know that teaching could make me so happy!
Even more than that I love my team. I work very closely with the PE teacher and the music teacher. They have been great mentors to me as I've grown in my teaching career. They've taught me how to be compassionate and how to use my class as a tool to nurture and grow students. They have always been supportive of me, and especially right now they've gone out of their way to make sure I make it through the end of this year with as little stress as possible.
And as much as I complain about the little rascals, I love my students. I teach a very diverse population, but that's what I love! I love being forced to re-think myself and to having to understand where they are coming from. I know they have taught me as much, if not more, than I have taught them.
As I think about being reassigned my biggest worry is that my reassignment will put me back in a high school. I am certified to teach K-12, but I truly don't want to go back to that. It was one of the most miserable time periods of my life. I'm even nervous about possibly being put in a middle school.
On top of that I simply don't feel mentally prepared to go through the work involved with a reassignment. Having to pack up my classroom is a task I don't want to undertake right now (I can hardly move the stuff around enough to simply store it in my closets right now!). And I am not excited about having to set up in yet another classroom next year. Nor am I happy about having to readjust yet again to a new principal (we had a new principal this year at our school), or having to learn to fit in with a new staff, or having to design my curriculum yet again. I tend to be bad about approaching the new school year with dread, even where I'm happy. I already knew next year would be tougher than normal returning to work since I know I'm not going to want to leave baby. I fear I will have a horribly hard time doing it now with the extra work that I have to face.
But I am (actually WE are- my fellow teachers are included in this) giving it up to God. They believe He will keep me at my school, but that if not, that His plan is greater than that. I know my principal has advocated to keep me- she wrote to the county justifying why I am needed at the school. She even offered up two paraprofessional positions in order to try and keep me. She told me her biggest hope right now is that they can't find anywhere else to put me so I get to stay. But if I don't get to stay, maybe it's for the best. Maybe I'll be closer to home so I can spend more time with baby. Maybe I will have a great team at the new school too....
So all I can do right now is be patient as I await more news, and trust that God won't give me more than I can handle. When I start to worry about what next year will bring I just keep telling myself "patience and trust".
In my birthing class we were told to pick one or two mantras (from a list) to help us get through our birth- affirmations that would help keep us positive and focused. I liked a few from the list but ultimately decided on "patience and trust" because I know it worked for me before. I know I will have to let go of my time schedule... I know will exhaust myself and ultimately put myself in a place where I'm unable to continue if I'm counting down hours of labor and exactly how long each contraction is, and how long I stay in each phase, and how long it takes to dilate... I also know I'm going to have to trust that my body knows what to do and is capable of bringing baby into the world safely. And again, I will have to trust God's plan.
It seems before I even get to that point though I am turning to this mantra yet again, though in a completely different realm.... I got news from my principal today that I am to be "reassigned". That means I will likely be at a different school next year, though I don't yet know exactly where (or what even) I'll be teaching. My principal had no information regarding where I'll be going, or even when I will know (that's where patience comes in!).
I love my school. From the very beginning I felt like I was part of a family. The teachers are so positive and caring for not only their students but each other as well. I never knew adults could work so well together! After my student teaching experience and my first year teaching at a high school, I didn't know that teaching could make me so happy!
Even more than that I love my team. I work very closely with the PE teacher and the music teacher. They have been great mentors to me as I've grown in my teaching career. They've taught me how to be compassionate and how to use my class as a tool to nurture and grow students. They have always been supportive of me, and especially right now they've gone out of their way to make sure I make it through the end of this year with as little stress as possible.
And as much as I complain about the little rascals, I love my students. I teach a very diverse population, but that's what I love! I love being forced to re-think myself and to having to understand where they are coming from. I know they have taught me as much, if not more, than I have taught them.
As I think about being reassigned my biggest worry is that my reassignment will put me back in a high school. I am certified to teach K-12, but I truly don't want to go back to that. It was one of the most miserable time periods of my life. I'm even nervous about possibly being put in a middle school.
On top of that I simply don't feel mentally prepared to go through the work involved with a reassignment. Having to pack up my classroom is a task I don't want to undertake right now (I can hardly move the stuff around enough to simply store it in my closets right now!). And I am not excited about having to set up in yet another classroom next year. Nor am I happy about having to readjust yet again to a new principal (we had a new principal this year at our school), or having to learn to fit in with a new staff, or having to design my curriculum yet again. I tend to be bad about approaching the new school year with dread, even where I'm happy. I already knew next year would be tougher than normal returning to work since I know I'm not going to want to leave baby. I fear I will have a horribly hard time doing it now with the extra work that I have to face.
But I am (actually WE are- my fellow teachers are included in this) giving it up to God. They believe He will keep me at my school, but that if not, that His plan is greater than that. I know my principal has advocated to keep me- she wrote to the county justifying why I am needed at the school. She even offered up two paraprofessional positions in order to try and keep me. She told me her biggest hope right now is that they can't find anywhere else to put me so I get to stay. But if I don't get to stay, maybe it's for the best. Maybe I'll be closer to home so I can spend more time with baby. Maybe I will have a great team at the new school too....
So all I can do right now is be patient as I await more news, and trust that God won't give me more than I can handle. When I start to worry about what next year will bring I just keep telling myself "patience and trust".
Friday, November 6, 2009
Rough morning
Okay.... so I had a scary morning this morning... and I'm going to start explaining it from the beginning.
On Tuesday this week (as you already know) I had some spotting. It only lasted a day, then seemed to go away.
Wednesday and Thursday I had minor cramping and other stomach discomfort. As I have begun taking Benefiber to aid in some uhh... issues... I've been having, I kind of passed the pain off on that, though still had some worry in the back of my mind.
Last night I began having some strange twitching in my upper stomach area, just under my ribs. While that probably seems strange and harmless, the only other time I can remember having this twitching feeling was on the Monday in July when I went to the doctor's office to confirm that I was pregnant (when I was already miscarrying). I remember clearly because I made Jason put his hand on my stomach to feel it (it kind of felt like an eyelid twitch). He laughed saying, "there's no way we can feel the baby yet!". Of course I knew that, I just wanted to see if he could feel it too....
Well, this morning when I woke up with heavier bleeding than I've had this entire 7 weeks, of course I freaked out. I called out of work, and laid in bed until I could call the doctor's office to make an appointment.
Thankfully the doctor had me come in right away for an ultrasound. And guess what!? Everything is okay!!!! We even heard the heartbeat again!! When I heard it, I asked the doctor "is that the heartbeat!?" as tears started to roll down my face. He laughed and said "It sounds like it to me! I know you're nervous, but if that was your heartbeat you would be in the hospital right now!". I could even tell that the baby looked bigger!! (Well, I'm pretty sure at least...I am not an expert at interpreting ultrasounds)
He said the baby is at the top of my uterus which means that it doesn't look like there is any impending miscarriage either.
All I can say is thanks and praise to God! I have been praying intensely all week, and especially all morning. I have been trying to trust, knowing God wouldn't put me through something I can't handle (and thinking I wasn't sure I could handle this at all). (For those of you wondering where this re-found faith is coming from... that will be a story for another day).
The doctor said some women have bleeding throughout their pregnancy, and there really is no explanation. He said, if we have to, we'll do an ultrasound every other day, whether the insurance company likes it or not. Of course, I'm not going to do that... I think the less you do the better... but it is comforting that he understands that I'm nervous and scared.
He wants Jason to be tested for the CF gene ASAP. And he wants me to see a high-risk OB doctor soon too. Otherwise, he just said relax.
So here I am, trying to relax.... knowing though that it is going to be a VERY long 7 months ahead of us.
P.S. Sorry I have no picture to share this time. Wish I did, but I think the doc was just checking things were okay, and that's it. And I'm okay with that!
On Tuesday this week (as you already know) I had some spotting. It only lasted a day, then seemed to go away.
Wednesday and Thursday I had minor cramping and other stomach discomfort. As I have begun taking Benefiber to aid in some uhh... issues... I've been having, I kind of passed the pain off on that, though still had some worry in the back of my mind.
Last night I began having some strange twitching in my upper stomach area, just under my ribs. While that probably seems strange and harmless, the only other time I can remember having this twitching feeling was on the Monday in July when I went to the doctor's office to confirm that I was pregnant (when I was already miscarrying). I remember clearly because I made Jason put his hand on my stomach to feel it (it kind of felt like an eyelid twitch). He laughed saying, "there's no way we can feel the baby yet!". Of course I knew that, I just wanted to see if he could feel it too....
Well, this morning when I woke up with heavier bleeding than I've had this entire 7 weeks, of course I freaked out. I called out of work, and laid in bed until I could call the doctor's office to make an appointment.
Thankfully the doctor had me come in right away for an ultrasound. And guess what!? Everything is okay!!!! We even heard the heartbeat again!! When I heard it, I asked the doctor "is that the heartbeat!?" as tears started to roll down my face. He laughed and said "It sounds like it to me! I know you're nervous, but if that was your heartbeat you would be in the hospital right now!". I could even tell that the baby looked bigger!! (Well, I'm pretty sure at least...I am not an expert at interpreting ultrasounds)
He said the baby is at the top of my uterus which means that it doesn't look like there is any impending miscarriage either.
All I can say is thanks and praise to God! I have been praying intensely all week, and especially all morning. I have been trying to trust, knowing God wouldn't put me through something I can't handle (and thinking I wasn't sure I could handle this at all). (For those of you wondering where this re-found faith is coming from... that will be a story for another day).
The doctor said some women have bleeding throughout their pregnancy, and there really is no explanation. He said, if we have to, we'll do an ultrasound every other day, whether the insurance company likes it or not. Of course, I'm not going to do that... I think the less you do the better... but it is comforting that he understands that I'm nervous and scared.
He wants Jason to be tested for the CF gene ASAP. And he wants me to see a high-risk OB doctor soon too. Otherwise, he just said relax.
So here I am, trying to relax.... knowing though that it is going to be a VERY long 7 months ahead of us.
P.S. Sorry I have no picture to share this time. Wish I did, but I think the doc was just checking things were okay, and that's it. And I'm okay with that!
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Paranoid much?
How am I supposed to tell the difference between paranoia and a reasonable amount of fear?
I started spotting again yesterday. I've kind of had it on and off, but it hasn't been an all day thing (except for that first terrifying week) until now. I woke up with spotting and kind of freaked. I couldn't think of something to blame it on as I have been able to do all along. I kept hoping all day that it would go away.
It stayed light, and did eventually go away last night.
My breasts still hurt, and everything else seems to be "normal" in the way of pregnancy symptoms.
How do I know when to freak out and when to just relax and assume my body is doing what it's going to do? I told Jason last night that everything seemed okay again, and he just laughed, "you mean, there's nothing actually wrong with you?"
I told him, considering what happened last time and how it all began, it seems reasonable to be at least a little freaked out, especially by this.
It seems no matter what this whole thing will be a game of patience and trust. I cannot stray from my original mantra. God has a plan. I have to trust that. Getting my mind to shut up and listen though is a whole different story...
I started spotting again yesterday. I've kind of had it on and off, but it hasn't been an all day thing (except for that first terrifying week) until now. I woke up with spotting and kind of freaked. I couldn't think of something to blame it on as I have been able to do all along. I kept hoping all day that it would go away.
It stayed light, and did eventually go away last night.
My breasts still hurt, and everything else seems to be "normal" in the way of pregnancy symptoms.
How do I know when to freak out and when to just relax and assume my body is doing what it's going to do? I told Jason last night that everything seemed okay again, and he just laughed, "you mean, there's nothing actually wrong with you?"
I told him, considering what happened last time and how it all began, it seems reasonable to be at least a little freaked out, especially by this.
It seems no matter what this whole thing will be a game of patience and trust. I cannot stray from my original mantra. God has a plan. I have to trust that. Getting my mind to shut up and listen though is a whole different story...
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Patience and Trust
It has been over a year since the wonderful day when Jason and I tied the knot. It has been a great year of settling into married life in our new home with our three wonderful pets, Rico, Jibs and Lucy. I am still happily teaching Spanish, and Jason is still doing telecommunications work from home.
Though there has been pressure on both ends, those that have been asking since the wedding day when we plan to have kids, and those telling us we have our whole lives ahead of us and to take our time, we finally decided, on our own, that we were ready. Thought processes included choosing a time while I am strong and healthy (and not having exacerbations due to my CF), and having children early enough that we still have some good years in us once they're out of the house. :)
We first found out we were pregnant in July, after only trying for a little over a month. It was very exciting news, however, within only a week after finding out, I already went through a miscarriage. While it was very rough emotionally, I am thankful it happened when it did, before I saw an ultrasound, heard a heartbeat, or became any more attached than I already was.
It took some time to recover, emotionally, and for me to decide I was ready to start trying again. Once we did make the decision, it seemed to happen just as fast as the first time around.
Of course, this time, I was a little more wary. I was hesitant to get excited... to get my hopes up. The first thing I did when I showed Jason the positive pregnancy test was to burst into tears, telling him I was scared. I wasn't sure if I could handle it again.
Well, a week went by and things seemed fine. Then we went out of town for the weekend to a friend's wedding, and suddenly everything seemed to crumble. I was having severe abdominal pain, and started spotting. I was sure it was happening again. I still managed to put on a happy face for most of the evening, but inside I realized I had already started hoping more than I had meant to.
Upon returning home on the Monday I immediately made an OB appointment. Things weren't quite what I expected. The bleeding had stayed very minimal, the pain had gone away, and I was still having pregnancy symptoms. I wanted to know what was going on! Tuesday morning I got in to see the doctor. She took blood to check hormone levels, checked everything out and told me it looked like my cervix was simply bleeding a little and that it wasn't anything major. She told me to come back Thursday for more blood to check the levels and see how they were changing.
The three people who knew what was going on, my mom, my sister, and my best friend Stacey, got plenty of e-mails from me in those couple of days. I was going crazy not knowing what was going on. I would feel certain one moment that everything was okay, then just as certain the next that it wasn't. When I went to have blood drawn on Thursday, they said the hormone levels from Tuesday were very high! It seemed like good news, but we still had to see if the numbers were going up or down. Finally, Friday morning, I got the call from my doctor. The hormone levels weren't only high but were increasing normally! Yay! We immediately scheduled the first appointment and ultrasound.
I still had my ups and downs between the call Friday morning and the appointment Wednesday morning (this morning!). I was surprised how quickly everything went. Within ten minutes of getting to the office I was already seeing the tiny "blob" on the TV screen, and hearing the heartbeat! How I managed not to burst into tears, I still don't know, but I know I walked out of the office with probably one of the biggest smiles my face has ever held.
So here we are at the beginning of the story. I am still torn between excitement and joy, and fear of getting my hopes up too much. But I have put it out of my hands, and into the hands of God. I know He will not put me through something I cannot handle, but I also know He has a plan. My mantra last week, while feeling like I was going crazy from not knowing, was "patience and trust". It worked for me then so I will continue to repeat it to myself when I feel worried or uneasy.
I created this blog as a place, number one, for me to sort out my feelings, my fears, my joys while I go through this emotional roller coaster. Secondly I created it so that those who cannot be with me physically through the journey, can be here emotionally to follow the story. I ask that you bear with me in my ups and downs. On top of this already being a high risk pregnancy due to my CF, I am a very emotional person, and I hear it only gets worse from here....
P.S. Here's the baby's first pic!! Our little "Floodling" is the little white blob in the upper left part of the black area (I know its very hard to see... I should have scanned the picture instead of taking a pic of a pic). The big circle is the yolk sac, the rest is the baby- about the size of a grain of rice! (A little less than a centimeter right now!!)
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