Back to the grindstone

2010 was a spectacular year, and now that it has come and gone and I'm staring 2011 in the face, I have to admit I am not all that excited. Because now I have to truly face what I have been dreading for the last 6 months- returning to work. The paperwork has been filled out, the calls have been made, and everything is set for my return on Monday. Yes, THIS coming Monday.

I am NOT ready for this. I am trying so hard to be excited about the prospect of doing something new- my new position will be an ESOL Screener at the International Center. That means I will be testing incoming international students to see if they need English for Speakers of Other Languages classes. I think working at the International Center will not only be fun and different, but I really feel like it's a great fit for my skills and background.

But... as much as I keep telling myself I'm looking forward to this, I really am just dreading it.  Not because I don't want to work, but because I'm not ready to leave my baby. I keep pushing thoughts to the back of my head so that I can keep moving forward and keep getting the stuff done that I need to get done. But as each day passes and I get closer to Monday I have to pause a little longer and longer to remind convince myself that everything will be okay and to stop the tears from welling up in my eyes. And as I get closer and closer to Monday more of those tears are slipping out. I am spending more and more time just sitting and watching Drew and sneaking in snuggles when he'll let me.

I know there are lots of working moms out there. And I remind myself of this frequently. But when I sit down and do the math and realize I will only have 3-4 waking hours with Drew a day, I wonder how other moms do it. Because Drew is the reason I wake up in the morning. His waking smiles brighten my day, and I won't even get to see them anymore except on weekends. And he's changing so much, so fast! Just check out these photos...

First solids... I like rice cereal!

Standing! Sorry it's blurry... Mommy was a little nervous.

If I could choose not to go back to work I would in an instant. But first, and foremost, I'm under contract and if I break my contract I risk having my teaching license suspended or revoked. Second, we get health insurance through my job (and good health insurance at that since I work for the state). And third, we simply can't afford for me to be a stay-at-home mom right now.

Sigh.... it's going to take a lot of strength to get through the first day, then the first week, then the first month and so on until I make it to summer and decide from there what we will do next year. I know Drew will be in good hands, they just won't be mine, and that makes me very, very sad.