Vent

So I'm going to be completely grouchy and negative in the post, so if you don't want to read it, you don't have to.  But I need to vent and let out some of these feelings that are frustrating me.

I have mentioned before that I found out shortly before the end of the school year that I was being "reassigned" (displaced, moved, relocated.... whatever your word preference is, it's all the same thing).  I mentioned how very much I love the school I'm at, and love what I do.  There was some hope that possibly things would work out- that I'd end up being able to stay... but....

I got a call Thursday afternoon last week from a middle school principal in my county- asking if I was interested in teaching middle school (honestly, I'm not, read on...).  We chatted for a few minutes and agreed to do an interview.  The next morning I got a call from a high school principal, also wanting me to come in for an interview.  At this point I assume this means that I'm not staying at my school (the hope was that there would be no other opening for me and the county would be stuck "reassigning" me right back to my school).  I'm also pretty sure it means I will definitely not be teaching elementary school (the Language Coordinator I also mentioned before told me in our meetings that there are 5 other elementary Spanish teachers being displaced and no other openings in elementary schools).

First off, I have to say- I don't know what's worse.  Doing an interview while on summer vacation, when I already have a job with the county, and while 9 and a half months pregnant, or having to go to an interview for which I had to prepare a "5-10 minute lesson plan presentation" for a job I don't even want.

Why don't I want the job?  Some history: I graduated in 2006 with a degree in Foreign Language Education and certification to teach K-12.  My student teaching had been spent teaching high school Spanish so I naturally accepted a job teaching high school.  It was one of the most miserable years of my life, and I don't say that lightly, especially as I generally don't like to be a negative person.  Jason will tell you it was one of his worst years too simply because I was so miserable (and he did a lot of work for me!).  I hated it.  I hated just about everything about it.  I hated battling with kids to get them to do simple assignments, I hated the feeling of knowing they were constantly trying to get away with things behind my back, I hated the stacks and stacks of papers to grade, I hated writing tests then grading them and feeling like a failure as I gave Cs, Ds, and Fs, I hated calling parents to let them know their child was failing, and parents saying "yeah, we know, we don't care...." (and should have continued on "so he's just going to sit there and be a pain in your a** for the rest of the year"), I hated the lack of support from other teachers and especially from the administration.... I asked and asked and asked for help, and never got it. I even began seeing a counselor to help me through.  So after only a year I threw in the towel and started searching for something else.  I happily found my current job teaching Spanish in elementary school.

I look back at the experience and know that I did a lot of growing that year.  I learned a lot about myself.  I learned a lot about teaching.  And I think, even though I hated it as much as I did, I truly am better because of the experience.  I think most of all it really made me appreciate having found my "niche" teaching elementary school.

So the prospect of going back to teaching high school is not a happy one for me.  Nor is the idea of teaching middle school, though I was, and still am, keeping an open mind (though read on for more on this...).  Before you say anything about "but you've grown, and it would be different at a different school, and now that you have more experience you'd do better" I don't want to hear it.  I know.... I would probably do better. I feel more prepared for it.  At the very least I could survive the year....

BUT I don't want to (can I stomp my feet and start throwing a temper tantrum now?).  I am so happy doing what I'm doing right now it just seems so unfair to make me move from something I love doing to something I can simply "survive".  And yes, maybe I would come to love it, but I simply don't want to do this right now.  I don't want to spend my measly 6 weeks of "maternity leave" (which isn't even maternity leave, it's just summer vacation) trying to create lesson plans for a whole new level of students and learn the new curriculum.  I don't want to spend what little time I have off with my newborn child worrying about what the new year might bring.  I don't want to spend the first year of his life stressed with lesson planning, grading, writing tests, etc. (all of which I've been happily able to avoid the last few years).

I think what has me most upset is the timing.  I could have handled this last year... unwillingly then too, but it was different.  Now I'm thinking in terms of how much time and energy I'm going to be able to give to my son and how unfair it is that I will adjusting to life as a mom at the same time as life as a middle school or high school teacher.  I hate to say it, but it really just sucks.

Have I mentioned that I already don't want to go back to work?  I can't even imagine how much that feeling is going to be multiplied in August (even going back to where I want to be!).  I'd love to be able to stay at home to raise my children, and that is eventually our plan, but that currently is not an option financially.  Jason already has 2 jobs!

So the interview at the middle school?  I would be teaching 6 different levels of students- a 9 week "intro" course to 6th graders (that's 1), 7th graders (that's 2), and 8th graders (that's 3).  I'd also be teaching a "Spanish for native speakers" course (that's 4), a year-long course for 8th graders (that's 5) and a 2 year-long course for 7th then 8th graders (that's 6).  6 classes to plan for, 6 classes to keep track of... oh, and my planning period each day? I would have a duty at the school... so no, no planning time.  At least teaching high school they try not to give you more than 2 or 3 "preps" (classes that require different "lesson plans").  6?? Okay, so I teach 6 now (K, 1, 2, 3, 4, and 5), but they are easy to adapt from grade to grade, and I only see each class once a week, not every other day!  On top of that the school was in worse condition than the one I'm already at (and that's saying quite a bit), the assistant principals were discussing going out and getting drunk last weekend (so professional), and oh yeah- I'd probably get to help with all the translating and interpreting for the school (considering it's 75% Hispanic). Sigh............. I'm keeping an open mind but was overall unimpressed. So much for having energy (or time!!!) for Floodling when I get home!

I have the interview at the high school tomorrow.  I can't believe that I am hoping it goes better than this one.  My initial thoughts were that middle school would at least be better than high school, but I am starting to change my mind.

I am still trusting that God has a plan for me, and that it will work out.  Patience and trust, patience and trust, patience and trust..... the hormones flying around are making it a little hard right now though.